Bestie Larraée,

I can not get across to you how angry I am. I keep trying to do my work in class, but this person behind me will not stop chewing their gum so loudly! I asked them if they could stop, respectfully, but they just laughed and called me sensitive. What was that supposed to mean? I asked my advisor if I could drop the class, but they just said that I’m overreacting! What am I to do?

Send help,


Dear Sensitive,

If you should be dropping anyone, it’s your advisor. An advisor should be there to cater to your every need. There’s a simple solution to this, though. Simply stage an intervention! While you’re in that class, have a friend discuss how gum turns you into a feral cat. They should be panicked and never do it again!



Hey Larraée,

I can’t handle this anymore. The phrase “senior advice” has bothered me since the moment I’ve entered CA. Every morning when I hear someone in the chapel mutter that forbidden face, I simply want to scream. Obviously I can’t do that, but I’m required to go to chapel. Help!

With love,

Anti-Senior-Advice Phraser

Dear Anti-Senior-Advice Phraser,

Who says you can’t scream in chapel? The next time you hear the phrase “senior advice” during someone’s speech, simply screech at the top of your lungs. Not only will your scream blind your ears from hearing the dreaded phrase, if you’re lucky, you won’t have to go to chapel! You’ll go to Fairfax’s office instead!

Problem solved,



My friend applied to CA and is considering coming here if she gets in. However, she’s scared she will be held back by the workload and afraid that she will not have time for her hobbies anymore. What can I tell her to convince her that this is not the case?

Your friend,

CA Wingman

Dear CA Wingman,

I mean, don’t lie, of course, but give her just a sprinkle of the truth. As former poet laureate Larraée ’96 BCE once said, drink water. You should show her how she can(t) deal with the work! CA offers some of the best “caffeinated” coffee out of any school, which she can use in case she has to pull some all-nighters. If that’s not enough for her, she can pretend to be sick and nap in the Stu-Fac salad bar. 




My friend and I are going crazy. Our roommate likes to stay on the phone until two in the morning, on FaceTime with her friends from her old school with her brightness turned up all the way like a suburban mom. We haven’t slept in 79 weeks. Every time we ask her to stop, she just laughs and says that we’re just jealous of her. We just met her! What do we do?


Two exhausted friends

Dear two exhausted roommates,

To whichever friend who wrote this letter, you gotta think about yourself! Her talking on the phone is the problem? Simply steal her charger! Then, put it in your friend's backpack and make it look like she did it. Your lovely roommate will get so mad at your friend that she will leave the room! Therefore there’s no blood on your hands, and she’s out! And you have no friends either! Easy peasy.

You’re welcome,

Larraée (lemon squeezy)