Everyone has been a people-pleaser at some point in their life. It is natural to want to be liked, but students increasingly face the pressure to please teachers, friends, and even strangers. “Niceness” can turn into an energy vacuum and full-time job, rather than something that brings joy. People-pleasing is harmful because it increases stress, diminishes self-confidence, and creates impersonal relationships. It is time we redefine what it means to “be nice.”
People-pleasing is constantly and consistently trying to please or appeal to others. It is often driven by the need to feel validation and be liked by everyone. In addition, it can be motivated by the desire to avoid conflict. It may seem easier to appeal to someone than to risk arguing with them. Another motivation to people-please is social pressure. It can feel like the only way to get people to build friendships. Lastly, the most “selfish” reason to people-please is to get something from someone, like a better grade or an invitation to a party.
Yet, people-pleasing can ultimately produce negative outcomes. Many fall into this behavioral pattern without even realizing it. As research suggests, chronic people-pleasing is significantly correlated to lower levels of mental-well being and emotional exhaustion, creating a strain on overall health. These byproducts are the opposite of what many strive to achieve through this approach to relationships. It creates a need to be validated, which can be detrimental to mental health, as one’s self-perception becomes defined by others.
As the people-pleasing persists, it becomes increasingly difficult to discover and define one’s own identity. Finally, it can produce unbalanced and fake relationships. When someone people-pleases, they are not being their true self. Instead, they are displaying a fake persona to appeal to someone else. As a result, the relationship they form with that person is not built on a foundation of appreciating someone for who they are, but instead for that fake persona. Also, it creates an unbalanced relationship, as one person might be putting much more energy into it than the other.
All this is not to say that you should not be nice. Being nice and extending grace to others is an amazing ability to have, and it is critical to treat others with kindness. But, it’s important to distinguish extending grace—offering unconditional kindness while maintaining your well-being—and people-—meeting everyone else’s needs at your own expense. It is good to help a friend for an hour, but you do not need to let them take up your whole weekend.